Crap that so backfired!

So I'm trying to convince my seriously funny hubby to start a blog. His would be the blog that would probably become a national treasure. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. I am married to the man after all. There are only 2 conditions to this blog writing, for now at least, 1. he can't write about my pilates experiences and 2. he cant write about my zumba experiences. I, of course, mentioned this to him beforehand and he got the biggest grin. He actually giggles when thinking about this. Somehow I doubt it would stay out the blog. Apparently this is the equivalent to me mentioning my parking block fall to my sister, who still hysterically laughs nearly 20 years later.

I'm not doing a very good job at convincing him to blog. So I enlisted my sister to help out. Epic FAIL! That didn't work either.

A while passes and we're holding hands and his hands are crazy cold. I mention that blogging would help with this because all the fast typing would make his hands warmer.

Doug: I like my hands cold.

me: oh well forget it I really don't know what I'm talking about.

Doug See I don't need to blog, I'm not that funny.

me: Yes, yes you do your hysterical

Doug:  You just said you don't know what your talking about! 

me: Crap that so backfired.

The following are things he wrote when he a myspace account like a thousand years ago and are still funny!

Kids

Dec 2006

Have you really ever paid attention to what your kids do? I mean for the sum of us who have kids. This is a rich and rewarding time in SOME aspect. well I say some because today I finally fix the toilet. What does this have to do with my child you ask? GREAT question.

Well it started about two day's ago when we "my wife and I" were amusing ourselves to the delightful ways of the internet. The kids were posted up at the T.V. watching what we thought was  Cars. Now don't get me wrong we check in on them for sure but some how the little one wanted to go potty so thinking nothing of it he politely lets us know what he is going to go do. I hear the toilet flush and think nothing of it. I hear it again and started to get a little upset, once more the toilet flushes and I scurry in to run him out scolding him of the values of the water bill as his little feet head out the bathroom at 90 miles an hour.

Well the next day the toilet started backing up. The water wouldn't go down properly so I take the ever so trusty Plunger and put it to good use, boy what a topic huh? The water hesitates but goes down. so by the fifth time of this I'm thinking this is crazy right? It never dawned on me that Andrew the day before was in there and might have done something to the toilet.

Finally today I am very sick no voice hardly and I just want to trim my beard and shave get a shower and try to have a peaceful day. My wife come's in and use's the bathroom, flushes it but it keeps running ... I didn't think nothing about it and actually wasn't paying any attention to it do to the fact of paying attention to my own duties. suddenly my feet are getting wet I turn and the toilet is flowing over with joy. Pissed i turn the water off now keep in mind I have no voice hardly and I'm doing my best to be heard. whelp I know what I have to do at this point.

I start working on taking the toilet up being sure to drain it before doing so. I look down the drain and see nothing I'm thinking WTH. So just for chits and giggles I turn the toilet over and look in the bottom , low and behold the momma of all back ups over the past day cause by a frickin McDonald's happy meal toy from the Incredibles, That's right my youngest got the Mcbrilliant idea of flushing a toy down the toilet. I clean the mess but got the wife to get the toy cause I wasn't touching it the big ole man I am and put the thrown of kids back in it's place.

I sit here and laugh at my own stupidity but wonder what was going through his mind at the point of entry 'splash down of Mr. Incredable, and if he really thought it would go away. How is it you can tell a child five times to get up and get ready for school and he doesn't budge but tell him Santa came before your through He's at the tree about to pee his pants to open a gift. How is it a child can not remember what you said not to do five seconds ago 'as he is doing it again' but he tells your pastor that you drank 3 beers swore five times while changing the spark plugs on a 1994 chevy C-15 V-8 automatic because he didn't set the gaps on the plugs right.

GO FIGURE!

Doug

Peace in Chaos

July 2007

Whelp,
Here I am again facing the reality of the world as we all come to realize. Why is it that no matter where you are in life there are certain people that can hone in on how much of a pissy day your having? I mean just for a few examples, You had a bad weekend with the wife with a couple of fights that should have never happened go to work on Monday and out of the blue someone you work with who normally say's nothing to you just intensified the edge you carried over from the weekend. I mean whats the deal???

Bill collectors will do it too. Your in life's mode having a very hard time but your coping with your troubles the best you can and trying very hard to survive and hold on to every piece of sanity you have to make it through and you think to your self, " Self all it's going to take is just one more thing", Low and behold the message was  magically beamed to all your bill collectors and there you are holding a credit card bill for 3000 dollars, a financial statement for a house your behind on that you never owned, a 250.00 dollar electric bill you just payed threatening to turn off your lights,  A vet bill for 500.00's for a pet snake named Mr. slithers you never touched and of course the kick between the legs, Your wife's  Dr. think it would be a great time to play a practical joke and tell you your having triplets. All in less the 24 hours.

Heh, funny enough you then come to terms of your life as you see it in the moment and wonder if you can even afford the bullet it would take to end cruelty. Then you start to wonder with everything else happening you would probably miss and take out the Chevy bus to haul your triplets around in that you just went in debt for because the Dr. was a little late with her punch line. Yet we wonder why there are so many angry people in the world and so much violence.

Just about the time your fixing to rip the arms off the dude that just cut the line in front of you at wally world you get a tug on the pants and in the middle of your rage you look down with intense eye's and there stands your 3 year old with a smile, and he says daddy, that was nice of you to let him in line from the back. You then melt and everything that once was, the core of every angry moment becomes clear to you. For every mistake, for every bad timed punch line or debt owed. we over look the fact that no matter what, It's all how you deal with your situation. Also who is watching you deal with it as well. As you look into your wife's eye's and think how wonderful but chaotic your lives are, there is one thing that was perfect, your children.

then the cashiers rings up a 300.00 dollar food bill when you only have 15 items

sigh so on so forth love is the key.

Doug

                                                           

I'm right aren't I? He needs a blog. He's funny and darn stinkin cute! What more could a girl want. Well there is that one thing... never mind~ :)

Anyhoo, he needs a blog and we all need to drive him insane until he starts one!

I am blameless.... Well at least this time

So the other night we are all sitting in the living room doing our various forms of entertainment when Doug lets off of fart not a small fart but a big fat noisy fart. First words out of Andy's mouth is "gross mom!" Hey that was not me! Doug of course is dying laughing that mommy gets blamed for his fart. My kids don't believe me that it wasn't me. Ummm I am a lady I don't fart out loud! I may on occasion fluff out loud but never fart. Who heard of such a ghastly thing! 

This has to be the difference between raising boys and girls. I have a sister and I don't remember farts being so talked about growing up but now it is the topic of lots of conversations in our house. I have to admit that I am succumbing to the boy topics in my house. It's hard to not be pulled into their gross conversations. I feel like I am losing my ladyship status a little more everyday! :) My mother would be mortified! She didn't raise us to be so crude! I have tried to introduce a little culture into my house full of vary levels of testosterone but to no avail. The second they even smell classical music or a classic movie they scatter faster than cockroaches in light. I literally think they can smell for at least an hour before I even think it.

Alas I am the Lone Estrogen. I feel like I need a sidekick now. The Lone Ranger and Tonto meets The Lone Estrogen and Meno (short for menopause). I guarantee estrogen and menopause win that duel! Apparently I will need to be more sneaky when it comes to introducing culture into my clan. Hey maybe I'll make it mandatory homework! *evil laugh* I can do that. I'm mom and teacher!

Sunburned Knees

It was a hard choice today whether to blog about motivated moms or Doug's sunburned knees. You guessed it Doug's knees win out. Yesterday we went to the homeschool swim party at the Y. Now Doug is hit or miss on swimming mostly he goes and just hangs out with us. On this particular day I manned him with the camera and he got some really cute shots too! For whatever weirdo reason we come home and his knees are really sunburned. His face and neck too but his knees it's really weird. Not any other part of legs just his knees. I know it's mean of me but his pain in this is really funny for some unexplained reason.

I was going to post something about it on my Facebook status but Doug caught me in action This did not go over well, however he didn't say anything about the blog! The conversation about the Facebook status was quite comical but I can never remember them well enough to post the actual hysterical comments by my hubby about not posting about ridiculously sunburned knees. Just saying/typing sunburned knees cracks me up.

Bedtime was disastrous!  How do you not get the sheets to rub on your sunburned knees? I know I'm horrible but I was laughing so hard I couldn't breath See I'm laughing now just writing about it. Also funny is that our sheets are cream and red. I pointed out this fact to Doug that he now matches the sheets but the humor of it was lost to him.

This may end up being on of those had to be there kinda funny or it was funny in my head but just trust me when I tell you it was funny!

ETA: This is me trying to get a picture of Doug's sunburned knees. It was not easy and the one pic I did get really doesn't show how red they really are.

This pic just disturbs me!

Trying to use the Swiffer mop head as a shield

Poor Slinky is being used as a doggy shield!

Times this red by about a 100 and that's how red they really are!

The end result is he is now suffering in jeans.

I don't care what my family says I am TOO FUNNY!

Honestly I really do crack myself up sometimes. However my hubby only laughs at me when I'm not being funny. Seriously?? I am so not amused by that! Andy my precious 7 yr old tonight tells me Aunt Taren is funny Mom you not so much! I mean really. Death to Aunt Taren and I LOVE my sis.

I'm surrounded by funny people. My sister is funny, my hubby is funny. Today I was the messenger between Taren and Doug how were cracking jokes to each other through me on the phone. WHAT THE HEY BOBBY! I feel like a stick out of place sometimes. It seems I have a sense of humor all my own that only I understand. That's okay. I'm funny, I know it, in my head it's freakin hysterical!

I was searching the web for some pics to go along with my blog. and I came across this.

I can assure you this is a crock of poo. I laughed pretty darn hard when I saw this but I am still overweight. I mean really please. I spend a week with 2 of the funniest people I know laughed till my sides hurt and didn't lose a pound. Americans are little too gullible if this book is actually selling.

Just in case your wondering. Yes I did have another blog.  I had some technical difficulties with my blog and my primary email so here I am starting all over. my favorite thing to do. So if you decide to follow me it probably won't make you laugh but hey it made me laugh so get your own blog!