Tales from the Crypt

Obviously I took a good long break from blogging, not really intentional, I just sorta lost my voice. I do that from time to time, have a lot of writer's block. Someone mentioned to me recently that I hadn't written and honestly the past month I've just been too sick to do any writing whatsoever. I prayed some days that I would just die! Okay Lord just take me, I really can't stand being sick anymore. I felt like I was on my death bed, in my own personal crypt. But alas I've made it, well almost, to the other side. I'm still a little bit sick, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, I've been working on a project, a book, that has been swirling around in my head for a few years. I don't really have a great way with words like my sister or a friends daughter I know. The following is an unedited, extremely rough, almost incoherent excerpt from my book; tiled "Surviving my childhood and beyond"

For most of my life I’ve felt like life is just passing me by.  Almost like an out of body experience where I was just watching my life and saying who is that and why are we not going in a better direction.  Weird I know, but true none the less. There are so many things I wanted to do that I STILL want to do. When did I lose that independent, outgoing, and no fear person from my youth. When did I become this person who is essentially afraid to leave my house, even some days out of my own bed.  I was always a buck the system kind of gal, never say die and the person who would stand up to anyone on just about any subject. When did I lose that piece of me? When did I become this person that I do not recognize?  I want to be out embracing life and making memories with my kids. I can say a lot of negative things about my childhood, but my parents did some cool things with us. We experienced parts of America. We stood at the Grand Canyon, went up Pike’s Peak, and camped in the KOA’s. I can remember our dad “waking” us up in the wee hours of the morning, gently guiding us to the car where he had the turtle all packed and ready to go and beds for us in the back. We would sleep and he would drive. My kids can’t say that about us or me.

What they can say is that most days I struggle to keep it all together. It isn’t like this every day, but a lot of days are. Maybe they won’t say that maybe they don’t really know the struggle that Mom is going through every day, I pray they don’t. I try to tell them every day, many times, how much I love them, how awesome they are and how proud I am of them. It’s something I really want them to know and understand that Mom loves them and is proud of them. I am still a little bit shocked when my Mom tells me she is proud of me. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve actually heard it come out of her mouth (bearing in mind that my mind and memory is terrible).

The past few years have been really hard on me physically and emotionally. I’m still battling both parts and although I seem to finally be getting control over the physical the emotional is really taking it’s time to bounce back. I lost a part of myself the summer between my eighth and ninth grade year that I can never get back and in reality is seems that a lot of my life is like that. I lost so many parts of myself so early on that when I look at myself, I sometimes see, Humpty Dumpty. Like I’ve tried to glue myself back together with the purple glue, you know the stuff, it’s purple until it dries and then becomes clear. Except mine never dried and it’s still all purple.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning to hand over those pieces that the only One that can turn the purple clear. It is an excruciatingly slow process that I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get it all done.  “All the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back to together again”.

When I look back on my life what do I want to see? What will I leave behind? What will people say about me? Did I do anything great? I probably won’t by the world’s standards and that’s okay with me. Did I shine the light of Jesus in this dark world? I’m not doing a great job of that now. Something that I must change! Did I point my children toward the Savior and a real relationship with Him? I can honestly say that I am trying to with everything that is in me. There are still things I want to do, to see, to be and to accomplish. The question is now how? If you know you want to too and you know you need too but you just can’t quite seem to get there. Where do you go from here?

Things I am coming to realize

There are a few things that I am slowing coming to realize in this life of mine. Once again, as in my other useless lists, these are in no particular order.

1. There are not enough hours in the day
2. My husband mostly pretends to hear what I say
3. Life is harder than ever thought it would be
4. My house will never clean itself and the laundry will never wash itself (sadly)
5. I may never see the good things about me
6. I'm more OCD than I want to admit
7. I seriously dislike working nights and totally regret quitting at the church.
 8. I'm a compulsive complainer
9. I'm apparently not as angry as I used to be. (or so my hubby says)

I'm sure there are probably more but honestly I'm just too darn tired to think them up right now.
Here I am working overnights and there are a ton of things still to do during the day. I'm not a single person who can sleep all day and it doesn't really matter. I had no idea how hard this was going to be or how tired I would be. I had no idea  how my house would suffer and bedroom might never be clean again. ACK!

Men have severely selective hearing. Enough said.

I never, ever, ever in a million years thought my life would be like it is now. This is not a neccessarly a bad observation. Sure there are things that I would do differently if I was given the chance to go back and change things but I would also not be where I am now if I did. And I can not imagine my life without Doug and the kids.

I didn't realize growing up how much work it takes to keep a house going and clean. This fact was somehow lost to me in my growing up years. Probably due to my highly selfish nature. This is actually exhausting and I am just horrible at it.

Sadly, I will probably never see the good things about myself. I look in the mirror now and think who is this chunky person with the grey hair? Do I know her? She sorta resembles someone I used to know but not really. I'm older, fatter, with less energy and even less motivation. I tend to see the negative in everything, especially myself. I honestly can't think of anything I really like about myself right now.

My closet is color coated and sorted into sections ( at least it is when Doug is not putting clothes away) and it drives me batty insane that he hangs my clothes in the wrong spot. Although I don't tell him that because he might stop doing what laundry he does do. I can't even look in the boys drawers anymore without freaking out since they started putting their own clothes away. It's just too terrible!

One of my major regrets of the past year is when I walked away from being the sec. at the church. Enough said.

I complain about everything. Not an attractive trait, something I am desperately working on.

Apparently I used to be worse off than I am now. That is truly a frightening thought. This has to be tangible proof that God isn't finished with me yet. That He is changing me and that I am making progress! If it isn't just leave them in that delusion please.  neurotic thoughts

I don't care what my family says I am TOO FUNNY!

Honestly I really do crack myself up sometimes. However my hubby only laughs at me when I'm not being funny. Seriously?? I am so not amused by that! Andy my precious 7 yr old tonight tells me Aunt Taren is funny Mom you not so much! I mean really. Death to Aunt Taren and I LOVE my sis.

I'm surrounded by funny people. My sister is funny, my hubby is funny. Today I was the messenger between Taren and Doug how were cracking jokes to each other through me on the phone. WHAT THE HEY BOBBY! I feel like a stick out of place sometimes. It seems I have a sense of humor all my own that only I understand. That's okay. I'm funny, I know it, in my head it's freakin hysterical!

I was searching the web for some pics to go along with my blog. and I came across this.

I can assure you this is a crock of poo. I laughed pretty darn hard when I saw this but I am still overweight. I mean really please. I spend a week with 2 of the funniest people I know laughed till my sides hurt and didn't lose a pound. Americans are little too gullible if this book is actually selling.

Just in case your wondering. Yes I did have another blog.  I had some technical difficulties with my blog and my primary email so here I am starting all over. my favorite thing to do. So if you decide to follow me it probably won't make you laugh but hey it made me laugh so get your own blog!