Contemplating....

Contemplating.... I've been doing that a lot lately. Seems the more some things come into focus other things seem to blur. Life decision flash through my mind and either bring more clarity or painful remorse. I suppose this is partly normal or at least I hope it is, otherwise I may be a tad nuttier than I suspect I am. Seems there are a lot of painful remorse decisions plaguing my mind's eye lately. As I sit here writing this I know in my head there is no condemnation in Christ there certainly is in the human heart. There are so many things that I don't want to miss out on. I don't want to miss any more opportunities to spend time with any of my boys. I don't want to miss Bryce's graduation, I don't want to miss Tyler's last 2 years of high school. I don't want to miss my kids playing with their grandparents, or miss my niece's ballets or Max's 2nd birthday. I don't want my kids to miss the chance to know their incredible Aunt. To know their super cool Gramps and to watch movies and have popcorn with their Gran.

How is it that we get so wrapped up in our business that we miss everything. We are glued to our phones, computers, and tv that we miss life. We think we have time. Time to spend with our kids, with our husbands, with our families. Suddenly the kids are grown, we are on separate pages with our husbands and what's left of our families lies in ruins. This is not even the worst part of it. The worst part is our separation from God. If we are too busy for our husbands, kids and families, we are mostly certainly to busy for God. He will of course understand our business, won't he? I mean after all we can't expect to really make quality time everyday for Him, we just have SO much going on.

What would happen if we actually gave God the time He deserves? What would happen if we were to pour over the Scriptures the way we pour over Google or spend as much time in prayer as we do watching tv? Would we suddenly watch less tv? Spend less time online? Would we worry as much as we do now? Would our children notice the difference? Would our children pull our their Bibles instead of their ds's? Would they flip on the Bible cd instead of the tv? Would our marriages start to show some love instead of selfishness? Would there be more listening and less finger pointing? How would it impact our work, our witness? Would we then begin to tell others about the love of Jesus? Would we be less afraid of what others think and more bold in Christ?

If Christ came back tomorrow would you be with Him or would you be left behind? I think we will be surprised at who is gone and who is here when that day comes. I'm a nobody really, just a small town girl who has made an enormous amount of mistakes. In the world's eyes my voice has no real value, I'm not rich or famous, no one reads my blogs or really cares what I have to say. But I will say this I refuse to live like God doesn't matter, that He doesn't matter to me because He does. I refuse to miss out on anymore time with Him. I refuse to miss anymore time with my family.

I am a follower of the ONE TRUE GOD. JESUS CHRIST IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR. I believe there is coming a time soon when we will not be able to write those words in public without fear of imprisonment or even death. When that time comes I pray I'll as bold then as now. I long for Christ to be more in the center of my heart and life and not on the outskirts. Lord help me to give You the time you deserve in my life. Help me to not turn our time together into something cheap and disposable. Help me to put You first, and my husband and family where they deserve also. Help me not to lose sight of what You have put me on this earth to do. Help me to use the talents you have given me to accomplish what You will to be done. I love you Lord with all my heart. Help me to show it more to those around me. Help me to bold about Your love for them. Help me to not wimp out on telling those that need you all about you. Thank you for loving me the unlovable and giving me this life that I so don't deserve.  

Tales from the Crypt

Obviously I took a good long break from blogging, not really intentional, I just sorta lost my voice. I do that from time to time, have a lot of writer's block. Someone mentioned to me recently that I hadn't written and honestly the past month I've just been too sick to do any writing whatsoever. I prayed some days that I would just die! Okay Lord just take me, I really can't stand being sick anymore. I felt like I was on my death bed, in my own personal crypt. But alas I've made it, well almost, to the other side. I'm still a little bit sick, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, I've been working on a project, a book, that has been swirling around in my head for a few years. I don't really have a great way with words like my sister or a friends daughter I know. The following is an unedited, extremely rough, almost incoherent excerpt from my book; tiled "Surviving my childhood and beyond"

For most of my life I’ve felt like life is just passing me by.  Almost like an out of body experience where I was just watching my life and saying who is that and why are we not going in a better direction.  Weird I know, but true none the less. There are so many things I wanted to do that I STILL want to do. When did I lose that independent, outgoing, and no fear person from my youth. When did I become this person who is essentially afraid to leave my house, even some days out of my own bed.  I was always a buck the system kind of gal, never say die and the person who would stand up to anyone on just about any subject. When did I lose that piece of me? When did I become this person that I do not recognize?  I want to be out embracing life and making memories with my kids. I can say a lot of negative things about my childhood, but my parents did some cool things with us. We experienced parts of America. We stood at the Grand Canyon, went up Pike’s Peak, and camped in the KOA’s. I can remember our dad “waking” us up in the wee hours of the morning, gently guiding us to the car where he had the turtle all packed and ready to go and beds for us in the back. We would sleep and he would drive. My kids can’t say that about us or me.

What they can say is that most days I struggle to keep it all together. It isn’t like this every day, but a lot of days are. Maybe they won’t say that maybe they don’t really know the struggle that Mom is going through every day, I pray they don’t. I try to tell them every day, many times, how much I love them, how awesome they are and how proud I am of them. It’s something I really want them to know and understand that Mom loves them and is proud of them. I am still a little bit shocked when my Mom tells me she is proud of me. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve actually heard it come out of her mouth (bearing in mind that my mind and memory is terrible).

The past few years have been really hard on me physically and emotionally. I’m still battling both parts and although I seem to finally be getting control over the physical the emotional is really taking it’s time to bounce back. I lost a part of myself the summer between my eighth and ninth grade year that I can never get back and in reality is seems that a lot of my life is like that. I lost so many parts of myself so early on that when I look at myself, I sometimes see, Humpty Dumpty. Like I’ve tried to glue myself back together with the purple glue, you know the stuff, it’s purple until it dries and then becomes clear. Except mine never dried and it’s still all purple.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning to hand over those pieces that the only One that can turn the purple clear. It is an excruciatingly slow process that I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get it all done.  “All the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back to together again”.

When I look back on my life what do I want to see? What will I leave behind? What will people say about me? Did I do anything great? I probably won’t by the world’s standards and that’s okay with me. Did I shine the light of Jesus in this dark world? I’m not doing a great job of that now. Something that I must change! Did I point my children toward the Savior and a real relationship with Him? I can honestly say that I am trying to with everything that is in me. There are still things I want to do, to see, to be and to accomplish. The question is now how? If you know you want to too and you know you need too but you just can’t quite seem to get there. Where do you go from here?