Tales from the Crypt

Obviously I took a good long break from blogging, not really intentional, I just sorta lost my voice. I do that from time to time, have a lot of writer's block. Someone mentioned to me recently that I hadn't written and honestly the past month I've just been too sick to do any writing whatsoever. I prayed some days that I would just die! Okay Lord just take me, I really can't stand being sick anymore. I felt like I was on my death bed, in my own personal crypt. But alas I've made it, well almost, to the other side. I'm still a little bit sick, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, I've been working on a project, a book, that has been swirling around in my head for a few years. I don't really have a great way with words like my sister or a friends daughter I know. The following is an unedited, extremely rough, almost incoherent excerpt from my book; tiled "Surviving my childhood and beyond"

For most of my life I’ve felt like life is just passing me by.  Almost like an out of body experience where I was just watching my life and saying who is that and why are we not going in a better direction.  Weird I know, but true none the less. There are so many things I wanted to do that I STILL want to do. When did I lose that independent, outgoing, and no fear person from my youth. When did I become this person who is essentially afraid to leave my house, even some days out of my own bed.  I was always a buck the system kind of gal, never say die and the person who would stand up to anyone on just about any subject. When did I lose that piece of me? When did I become this person that I do not recognize?  I want to be out embracing life and making memories with my kids. I can say a lot of negative things about my childhood, but my parents did some cool things with us. We experienced parts of America. We stood at the Grand Canyon, went up Pike’s Peak, and camped in the KOA’s. I can remember our dad “waking” us up in the wee hours of the morning, gently guiding us to the car where he had the turtle all packed and ready to go and beds for us in the back. We would sleep and he would drive. My kids can’t say that about us or me.

What they can say is that most days I struggle to keep it all together. It isn’t like this every day, but a lot of days are. Maybe they won’t say that maybe they don’t really know the struggle that Mom is going through every day, I pray they don’t. I try to tell them every day, many times, how much I love them, how awesome they are and how proud I am of them. It’s something I really want them to know and understand that Mom loves them and is proud of them. I am still a little bit shocked when my Mom tells me she is proud of me. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve actually heard it come out of her mouth (bearing in mind that my mind and memory is terrible).

The past few years have been really hard on me physically and emotionally. I’m still battling both parts and although I seem to finally be getting control over the physical the emotional is really taking it’s time to bounce back. I lost a part of myself the summer between my eighth and ninth grade year that I can never get back and in reality is seems that a lot of my life is like that. I lost so many parts of myself so early on that when I look at myself, I sometimes see, Humpty Dumpty. Like I’ve tried to glue myself back together with the purple glue, you know the stuff, it’s purple until it dries and then becomes clear. Except mine never dried and it’s still all purple.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning to hand over those pieces that the only One that can turn the purple clear. It is an excruciatingly slow process that I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get it all done.  “All the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back to together again”.

When I look back on my life what do I want to see? What will I leave behind? What will people say about me? Did I do anything great? I probably won’t by the world’s standards and that’s okay with me. Did I shine the light of Jesus in this dark world? I’m not doing a great job of that now. Something that I must change! Did I point my children toward the Savior and a real relationship with Him? I can honestly say that I am trying to with everything that is in me. There are still things I want to do, to see, to be and to accomplish. The question is now how? If you know you want to too and you know you need too but you just can’t quite seem to get there. Where do you go from here?

From Mid-Life Crisis to Clarity

Mid-life crisis is so cliche, I think, but lately that's almost how it felt. I've been seeking God's will more and more, spending more time in His word, searching for the wisdom that I so desperately lack in decision making. Two Sundays ago Pastor Dumas preached and I was completely and totally convicted. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was preaching to me, I also knew I couldn't do anything about it. I was standing in my own way, I knew it, I had known it for a long time. I've felt for a while God saying I want to take you to new heights, to places we've never been before together; but I can't until you do this one thing. Isn't it always that one thing that gets you so torn up inside that you just can't go there. My husband sat next to me watching me knowing that I was struggling. He looked at me and I flat out told him I can't, I'm standing in my own way and I know it and I'm not going to do anything about it because I can't. (talk about stubborn disobedience) Doug in the Holy Spirit's wisdom told me I was telling God that I don't trust him among other things (that are a tad personal for a blog.) We went home and I was miserable. I knew I had to do what God was telling me to do. I knew I couldn't go any farther in my walk with God until I obeyed Him and trusted Him that in the end His way would mean life not death. (we are so short sighted, aren't we.) By that evening I was a mess and I knew it was all coming to head.

You see it's like the old saying you can run but you can't hide. Although God will never force His will on us, never force His love and grace on us if we are TRULY seeking what God wants in our lives then we must make the hard decision. Do we continue to live in misery or do we choose freedom. And let me tell you that freedom is ever so sweet, once we walk into it. During our Beth Moore study she said God can deliver you one of three ways.
1. Deliverance from the fire - this is a faith builder
2. Deliverance through the fire - our faith is refined
3. Deliverance by the fire - our faith is perfected
We all pray to be delivered from the fire. This is our very first prayer please Lord deliver me from this and trust me I prayed that.. Don't make me go through this fire because Lord I will no make it out. This was me not trusting him, I honestly believed I would not make it out. But it was not to be, I was going to have to walk into that fire and I knew it. Let me just say that this was not an easy walk and I had literally been running the other way for years, but the time had come. I was in bondage and I couldn't hobble my way along any longer. I needed to be free, deep down I wanted to be free. So head down I walked into the fire, I felt like I was walking before a firing squad and that this would be the end of life as I knew it. (In a way I was right) But just like with Sadrach, Meschach and Abednego I was not alone in the fire, there was one more. When I walked out the other side I didn't even smell like smoke!! The only thing burned here were the chains that had been holding me captive! (and I was deathly afraid of that fire.) I would walk out of that fire with more freedom than I had ever know. Jesus had stood with me in my fire and set me free! I am here to tell you there is NO other way. I got a lot of perspective that day and a whole lot of clarity. I just didn't know yet how much clarity. Remember I said I knew I couldn't go deeper until I faced that fire. Well today I'm deep sea diving!

This Sunday was incredible also but in totally different ways. The verse read before worship was the same verse Andy has been studying all last week. (these things are never a coincidence) So last night at work I opened up my journal and begin to write and then read. The following is an excerpt of my journal from last night.

9/25/2011

I have been totally ungrateful about the things in my life. I want to have a grateful heart about everything that you give us. I want to have a good attitude about all things. I know my attitude is terrible and I really want to be better.
Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a right spirit within me."
Forgive me Father for my lack of commitment to you.
vs. 11-12 & 15 "Do not banish me from your presence and don't take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that I may praise you."
This is it! This is how I feel right now. Like maybe I've gone from a mid-life crisis to clarity. I just want to have a crazy close relationship with you! I've always felt like there was something missing, something deeper. That's what I want, the deeper uber personal relationship with you. The one where I can't get enough of you, I can't spend enough time in your presence, in your Word. I feel like a new woman, like these bondage chains have finally come off and I am finally free of this person I USED to be! Mold me into that new person you want (and already know) me to be!
 (And if that were not enough he gives me more love and conformation as I continue to read)

Col. 1:9b "we ask God to give you a complete understanding of what he wants to do in your lives and we ask him to make you wise with spiritual wisdom."
Yes Lord Yes!
vs. 10 "Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord and you will continually do good, kind things for othera. All the while, you will learn to know God better and better."
Yes! This is exactly it! A thousand times yes!!! (can I get an amen!)
vs. 14b "And he has forgiven ALL your sins." (emphasis mine)
Not just some but ALL
Col 2:3 "In Him lie hidden all the the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."
(bring on the treasure hunt!)
Col 2:7 "Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him.... let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all his has done!
Col 2:11 "When you came to Christ, you were circumcised, but not in a physical procedure - the cutting away of your sinful nature."
(any of this sounding familiar? Verse 20-23 totally blows me away and this is my final thought of the day)

Vs 20-23 "You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the evil powers of this world. So why do you keep on following rules of the world, such as don't handle, don't eat, don't touch. Such rules are mere human teaching about things that are gone as soon as we use them. These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, humility and severe bodily discipline. But they have no affect when it comes to conquering a person's evil thought and desires."

There is a whole other "book" I could write just from vs 20-23 but as I promised this is my last thought of the day. Why are we opening up the world's playbook everyday and trying to finish the race according to the world and it's views? Let me assure you the real playbook is far better and the freedom that comes from it passes all of our own understanding. Someday I will get to stand before the King of Heaven and thank Him in person for delivering me, this time, through the fire. Until then I'll thank Him everyday by going deeper and enjoying my uber personal relationship with Him. My sincerest hope is that you find the clarity you're looking for in your life. Don't be afraid to walk into your fire for the freedom on the other side is beyond what you can see or understand right now. He is here, He is with you and you are NOT ALONE!

The Week of the Mad

I have gone through some metamorphosis the last few years. I'm sure that everyone goes through this. I feel somewhat like a caterpillar into a butterfly. The caterpillar in me has just been slowly crawling it's way through life. My anger, frustrations and loneliness bogging me down and making the crawl extremely slow and painful. Enters my 30's, Jesus becomes so clear to me. The Bible promises us that His word will not return void and so God fulfills that promise and my caterpillar goes into her cocoon and starts her change.

This is such a slow process! The more I turn to Him the more I can feel, literally feel, the anger of the past peeling off of me like layers to an onion. There are times when I think I am not making any progress at all and I am the same Tricia from my past. My God promised me that I was a new creation in HIM! That all the old is gone and I am made new and periodically He gives me a glimpse at just how far I've come.

And then this week hits...... Sigh.... Can we say caterpillar. I'm crawling this week. Slowly, painfully crawling. I wonder if this is how the devil feels? I have so much to be thankful for and yet here I sit, nibbling on my anger leaves. Have you ever feed your anger? UGH!

Sunday morning was good. At a church luncheon I got the worst nose bleed I've ever had. I've never even seen one this bad. At long last it subsides enough for me to drive home, where I find a note stuck in the front door from a neighbor that another neighbor ran over our dog, mere feet from our driveway. Sissy was a part of our family, when I was sick she laid with me, she watched over the kids, she adored Doug and she had the best smile. Yes she smiled! The more I find out about this "accident" the more angry I become. I just can't seem to let it go. I cried for days and I haven't slept well at all. It may seem silly but I just can't help it.

Tuesday rolls around, Andy has been looking forward to his first cub scout meeting all day. Not so patiently counting down the time until Dad takes him to the Scout House. 5 o'clock finally hits, and their off; like a herd of turtles. I had sign language class so I was excited to get home and hear how it went. UGH! My caterpillar is about to start moving slower. It was awful, not organized the kids made fun of Andy, one knocked over his project, the lady running the show was too busy talking to other parents to have any idea what was going on. Needless by the time is was over Andy was in tears. And so the anger builds, now I'm really good and ticked off. These are the two majors in my life this week.

The new creation in me knows I have to let all this go. I have to forgive. I know I can't do it, but Jesus in me can. Man it is hard. I really stink at handing things over to God and leaving them there. Especially anger, I don't want to be that person anymore and Jesus says I'm not! PTL!
But, here I am in my cocoon, pushing and pulling, rolling around fighting and struggling; feeling like at any moment I just might pop out the side of my cocoon and fall straight to the ground. I guess this is all part of the metamorphosis process.

Someday I'll be the butterfly Jesus already sees. I probably will never see that day here on earth and that's ok with me, because until that day, I'm safe in Jesus' arms. He is my cocoon and although I may push and fight He has never dropped me and I know he never will.

P.S. If anyone reads this go listen to Phil Wickham's song, Safe. It was a small token to me, a reminder, HEY YOUR SAFE WITH ME!

Who Am I?

Who am I? I'm Trish Davis. Daugther of Tom & Karen, older sister to Taren, Wife to Doug, Mom to Kaitlyn, Bryce, Tyler, Alex & Andy.

What makes me so special and worthy to read about. Absolutely nothing. I don't have any special powers except for maybe my crabby mommy powers. I'm not a writer or big thinker, so I'm not sure what compelled me to try this out. I wasn't even sure what to name this blog. I wanted whoami, whoaminow, or jackofalltrades but, those were taken so here I am with crabbymommypowers. Which I always want to miss type as Crappy Mommy Powers.

I'm married to an incredible man, Doug. Who despite all my issues puts up with and loves me. How he does it is beyond me. I'm so blessed to have him in my life.

I've had five of the most beautiful children, all of whom I adore and one whom I miss immensely. Kaitlyn died of SIDS in 1993. Praise the Lord my four, somewhat spoiled, boys are perfect. OK, not perfect but at least health wise they are pretty darn close!

My sister is just my favorite person and I love her dearly. She's amazing, I aspire to be her!

Me well I'm just me. There was a time in my life that I was so bored. I did nothing really. (unless you count a pity party or two.) I have a track record of not being able to finish things or losing interest pretty quickly. I never in a million years thought my life would turn out the way it has. You know, as your daydreaming about what your perfect little life will be like when you grow up. Who knew all the twists and turns my life would take. Now here I am wife, mom, pastor's secretary, co-children's pastor (with my hubby). Life is good and yet somehow like how did I get here? Wow this is crazy, I'm sure I'll wake up soon.

You see I was the wild child. Yep, I stayed grounded, in trouble, my parents were even encouraged to put me in a girl's home. So I guess it's no wonder why I sit back and think who am I now? Look how far I've come. My boys, often frustrated with the fact they can't get away with things, I try to tell them I have done it ALL! There is nothing you can think about doing that I haven't done already. (well maybe a few things, but I'm not telling them that.)

It's really strange how much a person can change over the years. I'm here to tell you now, had it not been for Jesus I would probably be dead. There is a song that says the only thing good about me is Jesus. SO TRUE! I know me and I can assure you that is the truth. I am not, on my own an exceedingly nice person. Hence the crabby mommy powers, I have suffered with depression probably my whole life, at least as long as I can remember. Even now it is a struggle, but somehow I (with a whole lot of help) seem to be making it through.

I realize how random that all was and probably sounded ridculous, but I guess it's a start. So many things I want to get out but for now that's it. What a journey my life has been so far. I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am, but for now I guess I'm just me will have to do.