The Simple Things

Sitting out on my back porch this morning the little swallows are dive bombing and upset I am sitting close to their nest, that is resting the crook of my porch. The wind is slightly blowing and the sky overcast. It's been so hot lately that this seems like the perfect morning. I've forgotten the simple pleasures of life. The cool breeze, reading a book, the smell of fresh rain. Where did I get so off track? Wanting to be so important, climbing the corporate ladder, wanting to be more than I am that I have so forgotten who I am. The things I loved to do, before I became whoever it is that I am now. Who is this person? I don't know.

I honestly hate the electronic age. I feel like my family isn't even a family anymore. No one really talks to each other its all phones, tablets, laptops, video games. All day, every day. There is no interest in life outside of that. No interest in each other, just the games. I feel like I don't fit in my own family anymore. How did this happen? When did I get so tired of the fight that I just gave up.

I miss the simple things in life. I miss the simple life, itself. I miss human connections, board games, a good book, playing music on the porch. I think our world is much worse off without the simple things.

The Changing of the Guard

My mom passed away. That one sentence by itself is enough to make the whole of my emotions collapse. It's been 3 weeks today and 1 week today since her memorial service. 3 weeks without my mom. There were times we didn't speak or see each other for years. We had a rocky relationship, to say the least, but we could talk if we wanted and now in the blink of eye that is gone. These are feelings and emotions I am familiar with and yet they are different in a way I can't even describe. I don't know how to go on in the life without her my "nemesis", cheerleader, favorite person to hate. The love, laughter, screaming it's all a part of who we were. This concept seems to have taken over my thoughts lately. That we must take the good with the bad, accept the everything we are a people to truly love one another and yet I did not do that with my mom. I was good a judging her, blaming her and thankfully near the end reconciling with her, loving her, and enjoying her. Damn, I miss her. It's a pain so deep and a hole so large no one will ever be able to fill it. I know that eventually life will go on and I will hurt less. I know this because I now have 2 of these holes in my heart, my daughter and my mom, but now is not that time. I don't want to enjoy life, right now. I don't want to not feel her loss. I don't want to be strong. Honestly, I don't want to do anything. It's a struggle to even get out of bed everyday, still, 3 weeks in and I feel like I can't breathe. It's made me question everything about myself. Did I spend so much time blaming her that I didn't see my own faults? No, I see my own faults, they are painfully obvious to me. I just don't know who I am now, without her. I don't know how to move on, without her. I don't know how to feel, without her. I don't know how to be, without her. I'm sorry, mom, for all the wasted days, months, years. I miss you, mom.