The Changing of the Guard

My mom passed away. That one sentence by itself is enough to make the whole of my emotions collapse. It's been 3 weeks today and 1 week today since her memorial service. 3 weeks without my mom. There were times we didn't speak or see each other for years. We had a rocky relationship, to say the least, but we could talk if we wanted and now in the blink of eye that is gone. These are feelings and emotions I am familiar with and yet they are different in a way I can't even describe. I don't know how to go on in the life without her my "nemesis", cheerleader, favorite person to hate. The love, laughter, screaming it's all a part of who we were. This concept seems to have taken over my thoughts lately. That we must take the good with the bad, accept the everything we are a people to truly love one another and yet I did not do that with my mom. I was good a judging her, blaming her and thankfully near the end reconciling with her, loving her, and enjoying her. Damn, I miss her. It's a pain so deep and a hole so large no one will ever be able to fill it. I know that eventually life will go on and I will hurt less. I know this because I now have 2 of these holes in my heart, my daughter and my mom, but now is not that time. I don't want to enjoy life, right now. I don't want to not feel her loss. I don't want to be strong. Honestly, I don't want to do anything. It's a struggle to even get out of bed everyday, still, 3 weeks in and I feel like I can't breathe. It's made me question everything about myself. Did I spend so much time blaming her that I didn't see my own faults? No, I see my own faults, they are painfully obvious to me. I just don't know who I am now, without her. I don't know how to move on, without her. I don't know how to feel, without her. I don't know how to be, without her. I'm sorry, mom, for all the wasted days, months, years. I miss you, mom.