Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Week of the Mad

I have gone through some metamorphosis the last few years. I'm sure that everyone goes through this. I feel somewhat like a caterpillar into a butterfly. The caterpillar in me has just been slowly crawling it's way through life. My anger, frustrations and loneliness bogging me down and making the crawl extremely slow and painful. Enters my 30's, Jesus becomes so clear to me. The Bible promises us that His word will not return void and so God fulfills that promise and my caterpillar goes into her cocoon and starts her change.

This is such a slow process! The more I turn to Him the more I can feel, literally feel, the anger of the past peeling off of me like layers to an onion. There are times when I think I am not making any progress at all and I am the same Tricia from my past. My God promised me that I was a new creation in HIM! That all the old is gone and I am made new and periodically He gives me a glimpse at just how far I've come.

And then this week hits...... Sigh.... Can we say caterpillar. I'm crawling this week. Slowly, painfully crawling. I wonder if this is how the devil feels? I have so much to be thankful for and yet here I sit, nibbling on my anger leaves. Have you ever feed your anger? UGH!

Sunday morning was good. At a church luncheon I got the worst nose bleed I've ever had. I've never even seen one this bad. At long last it subsides enough for me to drive home, where I find a note stuck in the front door from a neighbor that another neighbor ran over our dog, mere feet from our driveway. Sissy was a part of our family, when I was sick she laid with me, she watched over the kids, she adored Doug and she had the best smile. Yes she smiled! The more I find out about this "accident" the more angry I become. I just can't seem to let it go. I cried for days and I haven't slept well at all. It may seem silly but I just can't help it.

Tuesday rolls around, Andy has been looking forward to his first cub scout meeting all day. Not so patiently counting down the time until Dad takes him to the Scout House. 5 o'clock finally hits, and their off; like a herd of turtles. I had sign language class so I was excited to get home and hear how it went. UGH! My caterpillar is about to start moving slower. It was awful, not organized the kids made fun of Andy, one knocked over his project, the lady running the show was too busy talking to other parents to have any idea what was going on. Needless by the time is was over Andy was in tears. And so the anger builds, now I'm really good and ticked off. These are the two majors in my life this week.

The new creation in me knows I have to let all this go. I have to forgive. I know I can't do it, but Jesus in me can. Man it is hard. I really stink at handing things over to God and leaving them there. Especially anger, I don't want to be that person anymore and Jesus says I'm not! PTL!
But, here I am in my cocoon, pushing and pulling, rolling around fighting and struggling; feeling like at any moment I just might pop out the side of my cocoon and fall straight to the ground. I guess this is all part of the metamorphosis process.

Someday I'll be the butterfly Jesus already sees. I probably will never see that day here on earth and that's ok with me, because until that day, I'm safe in Jesus' arms. He is my cocoon and although I may push and fight He has never dropped me and I know he never will.

P.S. If anyone reads this go listen to Phil Wickham's song, Safe. It was a small token to me, a reminder, HEY YOUR SAFE WITH ME!

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