Sunday, October 9, 2011

Crap that so backfired!

So I'm trying to convince my seriously funny hubby to start a blog. His would be the blog that would probably become a national treasure. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. I am married to the man after all. There are only 2 conditions to this blog writing, for now at least, 1. he can't write about my pilates experiences and 2. he cant write about my zumba experiences. I, of course, mentioned this to him beforehand and he got the biggest grin. He actually giggles when thinking about this. Somehow I doubt it would stay out the blog. Apparently this is the equivalent to me mentioning my parking block fall to my sister, who still hysterically laughs nearly 20 years later.

I'm not doing a very good job at convincing him to blog. So I enlisted my sister to help out. Epic FAIL! That didn't work either.

A while passes and we're holding hands and his hands are crazy cold. I mention that blogging would help with this because all the fast typing would make his hands warmer.

Doug: I like my hands cold.

me: oh well forget it I really don't know what I'm talking about.

Doug See I don't need to blog, I'm not that funny.

me: Yes, yes you do your hysterical

Doug:  You just said you don't know what your talking about! 

me: Crap that so backfired.

The following are things he wrote when he a myspace account like a thousand years ago and are still funny!


Dec 2006

Have you really ever paid attention to what your kids do? I mean for the sum of us who have kids. This is a rich and rewarding time in SOME aspect. well I say some because today I finally fix the toilet. What does this have to do with my child you ask? GREAT question.
Well it started about two day's ago when we "my wife and I" were amusing ourselves to the delightful ways of the internet. The kids were posted up at the T.V. watching what we thought was  Cars. Now don't get me wrong we check in on them for sure but some how the little one wanted to go potty so thinking nothing of it he politely lets us know what he is going to go do. I hear the toilet flush and think nothing of it. I hear it again and started to get a little upset, once more the toilet flushes and I scurry in to run him out scolding him of the values of the water bill as his little feet head out the bathroom at 90 miles an hour.
Well the next day the toilet started backing up. The water wouldn't go down properly so I take the ever so trusty Plunger and put it to good use, boy what a topic huh? The water hesitates but goes down. so by the fifth time of this I'm thinking this is crazy right? It never dawned on me that Andrew the day before was in there and might have done something to the toilet.
Finally today I am very sick no voice hardly and I just want to trim my beard and shave get a shower and try to have a peaceful day. My wife come's in and use's the bathroom, flushes it but it keeps running ... I didn't think nothing about it and actually wasn't paying any attention to it do to the fact of paying attention to my own duties. suddenly my feet are getting wet I turn and the toilet is flowing over with joy. Pissed i turn the water off now keep in mind I have no voice hardly and I'm doing my best to be heard. whelp I know what I have to do at this point.
I start working on taking the toilet up being sure to drain it before doing so. I look down the drain and see nothing I'm thinking WTH. So just for chits and giggles I turn the toilet over and look in the bottom , low and behold the momma of all back ups over the past day cause by a frickin McDonald's happy meal toy from the Incredibles, That's right my youngest got the Mcbrilliant idea of flushing a toy down the toilet. I clean the mess but got the wife to get the toy cause I wasn't touching it the big ole man I am and put the thrown of kids back in it's place.
I sit here and laugh at my own stupidity but wonder what was going through his mind at the point of entry 'splash down of Mr. Incredable, and if he really thought it would go away. How is it you can tell a child five times to get up and get ready for school and he doesn't budge but tell him Santa came before your through He's at the tree about to pee his pants to open a gift. How is it a child can not remember what you said not to do five seconds ago 'as he is doing it again' but he tells your pastor that you drank 3 beers swore five times while changing the spark plugs on a 1994 chevy C-15 V-8 automatic because he didn't set the gaps on the plugs right.

Peace in Chaos

July 2007

Here I am again facing the reality of the world as we all come to realize. Why is it that no matter where you are in life there are certain people that can hone in on how much of a pissy day your having? I mean just for a few examples, You had a bad weekend with the wife with a couple of fights that should have never happened go to work on Monday and out of the blue someone you work with who normally say's nothing to you just intensified the edge you carried over from the weekend. I mean whats the deal???

Bill collectors will do it too. Your in life's mode having a very hard time but your coping with your troubles the best you can and trying very hard to survive and hold on to every piece of sanity you have to make it through and you think to your self, " Self all it's going to take is just one more thing", Low and behold the message was  magically beamed to all your bill collectors and there you are holding a credit card bill for 3000 dollars, a financial statement for a house your behind on that you never owned, a 250.00 dollar electric bill you just payed threatening to turn off your lights,  A vet bill for 500.00's for a pet snake named Mr. slithers you never touched and of course the kick between the legs, Your wife's  Dr. think it would be a great time to play a practical joke and tell you your having triplets. All in less the 24 hours.

Heh, funny enough you then come to terms of your life as you see it in the moment and wonder if you can even afford the bullet it would take to end cruelty. Then you start to wonder with everything else happening you would probably miss and take out the Chevy bus to haul your triplets around in that you just went in debt for because the Dr. was a little late with her punch line. Yet we wonder why there are so many angry people in the world and so much violence.

Just about the time your fixing to rip the arms off the dude that just cut the line in front of you at wally world you get a tug on the pants and in the middle of your rage you look down with intense eye's and there stands your 3 year old with a smile, and he says daddy, that was nice of you to let him in line from the back. You then melt and everything that once was, the core of every angry moment becomes clear to you. For every mistake, for every bad timed punch line or debt owed. we over look the fact that no matter what, It's all how you deal with your situation. Also who is watching you deal with it as well. As you look into your wife's eye's and think how wonderful but chaotic your lives are, there is one thing that was perfect, your children.

then the cashiers rings up a 300.00 dollar food bill when you only have 15 items

sigh so on so forth love is the key.

I'm right aren't I? He needs a blog. He's funny and darn stinkin cute! What more could a girl want. Well there is that one thing... never mind~ :)
Anyhoo, he needs a blog and we all need to drive him insane until he starts one!

1 comment:

  1. I still laugh....yes I did giggle at the mention of the parking block fall.